Finding Rock Bottom: Thinking a Man Could Save Me from Myself

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Content note: This episode includes discussion of a past suicide attempt, psychiatric hospitalization, domestic abuse, addiction, and infidelity. Please choose whether and when listening feels right for you.

I thought getting married would give me the stability I’d been missing. Later, I thought moving somewhere new could help us start over. But through different relationships and different states, I kept carrying the same belief: if I could be a good enough wife, someone would finally make me feel worth choosing.

In this episode of Perfection Hangover, I continue the story I began in Seeking Validation: When I Never Felt Good Enough. I share what happened after leaving the hospital, getting married at 20, beginning my banking career, and becoming a mother while struggling behind closed doors.

I talk about leaving an abusive marriage, becoming a single mom, and getting engaged again after just six weeks. I also reflect on forgiving repeated betrayals without seeing lasting change, the resentment that followed, and eventually deciding to separate.

Looking back, I can see how often I hoped a relationship or a fresh start would change how I felt about myself. I share how my faith helped me through those years and why recognizing these patterns matters to me as a mother.

In This Episode

• Hoping a relationship would provide stability after a personal crisis.
• Building a career while feeling lonely and overwhelmed at home.
• My “six-week rule” for dating and the engagement that followed.
• Moving somewhere new while the same relationship problems continued.
• Forgiveness, accountability, and the resentment I struggled to move past.
• Recognizing familiar family patterns in my own choices.
• Wanting something different for myself and my children.

A Question to Sit With

As you reflect on this story, consider: What am I hoping someone else’s approval or commitment will prove about my worth?

You don’t have to figure out every pattern today. Start by noticing where that question shows up in your own life.

Explore Your Own Perfectionism Patterns

If you’ve spent years trying to become the person someone else will finally choose, you may recognize parts of The Performer or The Prover in my free Perfection Hangover Archetype Guide.

The guide introduces six perfectionism patterns, the beliefs behind them