Seeking Validation: When I Never Felt Good Enough
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Content note: This episode includes childhood physical abuse, sexual assault, alcohol misuse, and a suicide attempt. Please choose whether and when listening feels right for you.
At 20 years old, I stood outside a courthouse in khaki pants and a sweater, hoping a marriage certificate would finally make me feel like I was enough. I sent a wedding announcement to my hometown newspaper because I wanted someone to see me and acknowledge that my life mattered.
In this episode of Perfection Hangover, I share the beginning of my story and the experiences that shaped my need for approval. I talk about growing up with instability and abuse, wanting to feel chosen, and carrying the belief that I had to earn love into my relationships.
I also share what happened when college didn’t become the fresh start I’d hoped for, how I used alcohol to cope, and the crisis that followed. This is a personal account of where my perfectionism began and how long I spent looking to other people to tell me I mattered.
In this episode:
- Why I believed being the perfect daughter, girlfriend, or wife would make someone choose me.
- How childhood instability shaped what I believed I deserved.
- The difference between receiving attention and being genuinely cared for.
- How the search for validation followed me into young adulthood.
- Recognizing a repeating pattern in experiences that once felt disconnected.
Explore your own perfectionism patterns
If you recognize the feeling of needing someone else’s approval before you can feel okay about yourself, The Performer is one pattern to explore in my free Perfection Hangover Archetype Guide. The guide introduces six patterns, including the beliefs behind them and the hidden costs of carrying them.
Support resources — United States
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988.
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: Call 800-656-4673.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-7233.
