Why My Performance Improvement Plan Felt So Much Bigger Than Work
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Content note: This episode discusses childhood abuse, sexual assault, and a past suicide attempt.
In my last episode, I shared how I went from a performance improvement plan to a promotion in six months. After recording it, I realized I’d left out something important: why that experience felt so much bigger than feedback about my work.
I had real changes to make in how I was showing up at my job. But being put on a PIP also brought up a familiar fear—that no matter how hard I tried, I was always one mistake away from losing my place.
In this episode of Perfection Hangover, I talk about how that fear connects to my childhood and the belief that being helpful, quiet, or good enough might keep me safe. Years later, a conversation about my performance at work landed on all of that history.
I also share what happened when I recognized burnout again and had an honest conversation with my manager. I was grateful for my job, and I was struggling. Being able to say both mattered.
Getting promoted changed my role and my paycheck. It didn’t automatically change the pressure I felt to keep earning my place. That’s the part I’m still working through: having needs, setting boundaries, and making mistakes without treating every one of them as proof that I’m not enough.
In This Episode
- Why my performance improvement plan brought up fears that started long before my career.
- How trying to be “good enough” became connected to feeling safe.
- What I mean by living on “emotional probation.”
- Taking responsibility for my work while recognizing why the feedback hurt so deeply.
- Having an honest conversation about burnout instead of pretending I was fine.
- How faith connects to learning that I don’t have to earn my worth through perfect performance.
One Thing to Try
Notice one situation this week where you feel like you have to earn your place. It might be agreeing to more work when you’re already stretched or hiding a need because you’re afraid of disappointing someone.
Write down what’s actually being asked of you, then what you’re afraid it means about you if you can’t deliver. Keep those answers separate. The goal is to notice when a specific responsibility starts feeling like a judgment on your whole worth.
Explore Your Own Perfectionism Patterns
If you recognize the need to keep proving yourself—even after you’ve done what was asked—the Prover may feel familiar.
My free guide to the six perfectionism archetypes explores the beliefs behind these patterns and what they can cost you. It’s a place to start naming the pressure you feel to keep earning your worth.
