I Didn’t Know I Had Daddy Issues: Father Wounds and the Need to Be Chosen
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Content note: This episode discusses childhood grooming, sexual assault, and a past suicide attempt.
I thought I was writing a book about my life. Instead, I started noticing connections I hadn’t seen while I was living it.
I knew my dad hadn’t been around much. I knew that hurt. But I’d always thought of myself as the strong one—the overcomer, the person who could handle things and help everyone else. I hadn’t considered how much wanting my dad to choose me might connect to the way I approached relationships, achievement, and being needed.
In this episode of Perfection Hangover, I share what I’m beginning to understand about that connection. I talk about wanting my father to show up, briefly getting to live with him, and how being sent back to my mom felt to me as his daughter.
Writing about those experiences made me look differently at the relationships I pursued and stayed in, and at the pressure I’ve felt to be useful, successful, and dependable. Somewhere along the way, being chosen started to feel like proof that I was valuable.
I also make an important distinction: understanding my patterns doesn’t make me responsible for someone else’s abuse. I can examine my own decisions without taking responsibility for harm another person chose to cause.
There isn’t a finished lesson at the end of this episode. I’m sharing what I’m noticing as I write, including the uncomfortable question of how much of my identity reflects what I want and how much grew out of trying to earn a place in someone’s life.
In This Episode
- What led me to recognize what I describe as a father wound.
- How wanting to be chosen became connected to feeling valuable.
- Looking back at relationships with more understanding of what I was seeking.
- Recognizing strengths I value while questioning the pressure behind them.
- Taking responsibility for my choices without blaming myself for someone else’s abuse.
- Writing my story before I have every part of it figured out.
A Question to Sit With
In the episode, I ask: “What am I trying so hard to prove?”
If that question feels familiar, consider one recent moment when you felt you had to be especially helpful, impressive, or easy to get along with. Write down what you hoped your effort would prove about you. You don’t have to explain your whole history or resolve the pattern today.
Explore Your Own Perfectionism Patterns
If you keep hoping that doing enough will finally make someone see your worth, the Prover may feel familiar.
My free guide to the six perfectionism archetypes explores the beliefs behind these patterns and their hidden costs. It’s a starting point for recognizing when the need to prove yourself is adding pressure to your relationships and everyday life.
